Isn’t it funny how the universe guides one in a particular direction sometimes?

I ended up recording two podcast episodes about creativity earlier this year. One was released a couple of months ago, and I reflected on how vital creativity in all its forms has been on my healing journey. When I began to understand that logic, whilst incredible, has its limits, I was so grateful that early mentors had also nurtured my creative side hustles.

Fundamentally, I chose creativity as one of the core values of Damsel Not In Distress because I believe that creativity is for everyone, and I know deep down just how valuable it is to help us to survive our storms, and then thrive on the other side.

In my latest conversation with Claire on her wonderful Creativity Found podcast, I unpacked how creativity has shown up at different points on my stormy journey so far.  

Sometimes, staying busy can help us navigate a storm…

One strand of the conversation which really stood out for me was how I have used busyness to feel OK as I have navigated my storm. Busy jobs. Endless projects. Climbing all of Scotland’s Munros while living in London – there are only 282 of them, for goodness’ sake…!

This was a helpful tactic because there was too much difficult stuff in my life for me to face all in one go – that would have been completely overwhelming. So being busy gave me things to focus on which weren’t distressing, and my subconscious brain would ever so slowly and gently work away on the tough stuff in the background when Conscious Me was distracted.

My various health issues also kept me busy, as I tried to find solutions. And the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which led me to worry so much about hygiene and whether other people were safe, was yet another way to keep me busy – those were both rabbit holes which could keep my conscious brain occupied for a very long time… Unpleasant though my OCD has been at times, I believe it was genuinely a tactic to keep me safe in a profoundly unsafe environment. It gave me a semblance of control and it meant that I didn’t have the headspace to look at the really scary things in my life which I wasn’t yet adequately prepared or equipped to face.

Because it is genuinely scary to realise that you fundamentally can’t depend on a parent. Their job is meant to be to look after you, and for a long time you have no choice but to trust them. Acknowledging that that trust has been misplaced is a massive deal.

I was only really able to confront the reality of my father’s emotional abuse when I’d run out of distractions and only had two choices – to completely succumb to it once and for all, or to make a conscious choice to protect myself from the danger.

…and I also chose to stay busy in the wake of the storm

It’s been just over two years since my emotionally abusive father died. I’m genuinely proud of how I have journeyed to the other side of my biggest life storm. It’s been messy, non-linear, uncomfortable and incredibly challenging at times – but I have kept on putting one foot in front of the other, taking the next step and the next and the next, even when my destination was not 100% clear.

I’ve built Damsel Not In Distress from the ground up in those two years. Trained myself up in various techniques and methodologies. Created and refined my offerings. Built my website. Published my first book. Run a big summit with 30 speakers. Shared my story in the media. And, most fundamentally, I have supported clients who have sought out my services.

In other words, I have had purpose…and I have kept myself really rather busy. Sound familiar?!

It’s interesting as I reflect on the past couple of years. I approached the seismic event of my father’s death by being disciplined. I had decided to build a business, and therefore building a business was what I would do. I learned everything I needed to learn, and I did everything – the glamorous stuff, the fun stuff, the incredibly tedious stuff, and everything in between. Now, this was really helpful to me. My mind had something concrete to focus on, a bit like having a Rubix cube to play with, whilst it also came to terms with the enormity of what had happened to me.

Recovering from big traumatic experiences is not something we can generally do in one fell swoop, in a neat and tidy project lasting a certain number of weeks. The issues are so complex and difficult that I found myself biting off a little bit at a time. As I acknowledged and came to terms with that element, another would show itself. And so it went on. Having my business project at the same time kept me sane, grounded and appropriately occupied during this process, so I didn’t incessantly mull on the horrible stuff which was inevitably going to take time to work its way through my system.

A strong sense of discipline has been my friend throughout my life. It enabled me to revise consistently for exams when others around me were getting distracted and frustrated. It allowed me to become a competent pianist because I just did my practice as I was told to. And it made it possible for me to set up my business, including all those pesky legal and administrative issues which need to be dealt with, whether we like it or not.

Finally having that teenage rebellion?!

But in recent months, I’ve been surprised by an unexpected development. Whilst I still find incredible satisfaction in my client work, beyond that I am officially in the doldrums. Bored out of my mind. Unable to finish necessary tasks. Completely unmotivated.

And I’m curious about this, because the obvious thing to do is to keep doing what I’m doing…so why the mental blocks? Why the metaphorical digging in of the heels? My discipline appears to have deserted me. I don’t seem to be able to make myself do things the way I used to. And that’s scary, because I’ve relied on my discipline for so long.

And then it suddenly occurred to me – I think this is me finally having the rebellion I wasn’t given any latitude to have when I was a teenager.

You see, from as far back as I can remember, I was an incredibly compliant child. I had learned from a very early age that my job was to keep the peace and to please those around me. And there were aspects of that which I enjoyed and which were beneficial to me. But I certainly never had the opportunity to properly let my hair down and push back meaningfully on expectations or boundaries.

The beginning of my rebellious creativity experiment

But the idea of rebelling is scary to me. Doesn’t this just mean that I’m going to go off the rails in some way which will mess up my life? Might I hurt myself? What about my reputation?

Over the years, I learned little by little how to exert my authority in a very unsafe environment, pushing back when I realised I had no alternative other than to completely wilt inside.

I have this sense that rebelling well is the key to this next step in my story. I also feel that creativity will be at the heart of this new rebellious endeavour.

Beyond that, I’m not really sure what all of this means, but I know in my bones that this is a time to be guided by my intuition. I don’t need to know what the destination or endgame is at this point – in fact, it would be odd if I did know! But I have enough to do a live experiment.

This isn’t the first time I’ve set up and documented a live experiment. My first book, Reclaiming Christmas, was a six-week experiment to…you’ve guessed it…reclaim Christmas after it had been sullied for me by many bad experiences. The format is helpful to me because it gives me enough structure and purpose without hemming me in – during that experiment, I explored a range of issues and techniques which I didn’t know would surface when I started.

At the heart of this, I think I need to learn to be OK with being less busy. Productivity is not the be all and end all at this stage of my journey. How can I find the time for, and be content with, more spaciousness (aka not always doing…) to give my relatively shy creative side the chance to emerge freely? And what might I find as I explore different types and aspects of creativity?

If you’d like to follow this creativity experiment as it unfolds, do come and join my email list if you haven’t already – as this is where I will be spilling the beans!