The Damsel's Christmas Diary Part Four: Let's get those affirmations flowing!

I feel drawn to create some new affirmations for myself at this time. I think they will be particularly supportive for me as I seek to fully relax after an incredibly full-on and stressful year.

As I have probably mentioned before, I was highly dubious about positive affirmations for a long time on my healing journey, but I began to realise that they can be a really helpful wellbeing tool when used properly.

In fact, scientific studies have shown that well-timed affirmations can have lasting benefits for people in a wide range of areas, including health, education and relationships. That's quite a claim to fame, so taking time to learn how to harness the power of affirmations is a worthwhile investment!

It’s pretty easy to write and state a positive affirmation when we’re ready to aim for a stretching target. For example, "I have the strength and ability to achieve [insert life goal here]!" Repeating this statement trains your brain on the mission, which means that your brain will be laser focused on looking out for opportunities to succeed in that mission. Which is pretty cool!

But it’s harder to write and state positive affirmations in areas which are affected by difficult life circumstances. For example, I used to laugh wryly at affirmations I found on the internet such as "I react calmly and peacefully in any situation" because my reality was so, so different… And in fact, science has shown that this sort of affirmation practice can be actively damaging, especially if an affirmation statement is overly positive in an area where you feel more of a lack – because actually, that rose-tinted-spectacled affirmation is just serving to further highlight the deficiency you feel in your bones.

Over time, I learned to write affirmations in these tougher areas that I could actually believe in – and which inched me forward to a more optimistic future at a pace I could cope with. For example, instead of "I react calmly and peacefully in any situation", how about "I am learning every day to react more calmly and positively to situations"? Formulations like this felt more doable and authentic – whilst also crucially pointing me in the direction of healing and a more positive outlook.

This is all about balancing optimism with just enough realism for your circumstances.

So, this Christmas time, the first thing I need to think about is the areas of my life where I believe affirmations would be most helpful to me right now. I’m not really in the market for stretching targets at this point in time!  I think I’m more in the territory of encouraging myself to focus on areas which I can find harder, but which are particularly important for my wellbeing right now.

Last Christmas, in my great reclamation of the festive season, I formulated eight affirmations for myself. I set these out and explained the rationale for them in my book, Reclaiming Christmas. Some key themes were around letting go, being less fearful and focusing more on the positives in life, as well as trusting that I would know what steps to take each day to reclaim Christmas, and that I would indeed make it to the finish line. They were very successful affirmations for me, and I can look back and see that I made great progress in all those different areas!

For this Christmas, the key theme is quite obviously rest. I just need to stop, fully recharging my inner batteries so that I feel whole and ready for all that the New Year may bring.

But resting doesn’t always come naturally to me. My childhood experiences wired me to be anxious and untrusting. Will my business really be OK if I don’t work on it at all during the Christmas period? (I even contemplated reading a 1,500 page book for research purposes over the festive break – WHAT WAS I THINKING?!  It’s an amazing book that I do want to read soon – but now is not the time for that!! Undemanding, feel-good novels and films, here we come…)

I think I need fewer affirmations this year than I concocted last year, which was a much more complex period with so many challenges for me to face and gently overcome. So, here goes…

Affirmation 1: Now is a time only for resting. I am able to rest deeply in the certainty that I am valuable and completely looked after.

In the past, I felt sure that I only mattered because of what I achieved. I didn’t have a sense of my intrinsic worthiness as a human being. To quote from Reclaiming Christmas:

“For years after we got married, I would quiz my husband as to why he stuck with me during all the hard times, and why he loved me out of all the other human beings on the planet with whom he could have chosen to spend his life. And he kept gently replying, “Because you’re you, and because you’re wonderful!” Eventually, he would ask me to say the reply myself, to try to help it sink in.

It took me years and years to really believe that I mattered just because I existed. In my darker moments, I would often mull that the world would be a better, less complicated place without me in it, with my stresses that seemingly messed things up. But my faith would remind me that every human life is intrinsically valuable. I grew up believing that I was valuable because of what I achieved, and it has taken years to unpick that notion of earned value. Things finally came to a head when an injustice happened at work and I was deemed not to have performed to the required standard. Whilst I eventually overturned this judgement, since various important factors had been overlooked, it was the inward journey that I undertook during the dark period which was most transformational. For the first time, I truly appreciated that God loved me for who I was, not for what I supposedly achieved. It was a radical turning point in my life.”

I also have more of a sense now that I am looked after. That’s not to say that life will be one never-ending party, but I know that I have friends and family who love me, and I also know and trust that God cares for me and is looking out for me in all things.

In the past, I would focus far too much on what I thought I “should” do. So, when I was tired, I “should” rest. But of course it’s very hard to do something voluntarily and well when you see it as an obligation… So I have formulated this affirmation in terms of being able to rest deeply, and of this being a time set aside for me to rest because it is a blessing for me!

This affirmation reminds me that I am capable of winding down, trusting that God is looking after everything while I recharge those rather depleted inner batteries. I don’t have to be hypervigilant all the time any more…

Affirmation 2: I let go of striving for my new business – it will grow and help people as it is meant to, at the right time – which is not right now!

I am so passionate about what Damsel Not In Distress is all about, and about supporting people in the areas where they could really benefit from help and support.

But one important life lesson is that, when we grab onto things and strive after them, they are far less likely to happen as they should. We need to be willing to take a deep breath, do our best, and then let go of the outcome – trusting that the right thing will unfold.

Right now, the most important thing for me to do is to take a break, so that I am in the best place physically, emotionally and spiritually to carry on nurturing my business in 2024! Where will my business go? I don’t know, and that’s OK!

Affirmation 3: I nurture myself and my wonderful husband this Christmas time, cherishing our time together

I am worthy and deserving of nurture, fun and joy with the person I love most in the world! And he really, really deserves all my attention this festive season – he has given me so much during the past six months, and of course more broadly during the complex journey we have been on for the past twenty years.

We are the priority this Christmas time – all the other stuff of life will still be there when we emerge from our hibernation in early 2024…

These affirmations are completely tailored to my situation – but I hope it’s helpful for you to see how I’ve gone about writing them.  I hope it might inspire you to write some of your own affirmations for this Christmas season!  

Please remember, amidst all the festivities, events and obligations – you matter, and what you need and desire matters, alongside everyone else’s needs and desires. Please make sure you take time to nurture yourself this Christmas.

P.S. If you're interested in finding out about my journey to heal and reclaim joy in Christmas after longstanding emotional abuse, my book - Reclaiming Christmas - is available at Amazon in ebook, paperback and audio versions. Spoiler alert - it has a happy ending!! You can find the Amazon links here: https://www.damselnotindistress.co.uk/books.

P.P.S. If you'd like to know more about positive affirmations, I have a course that takes you through the process of crafting and using affirmations well: The No Nonsense Guide to Affirmations. You can find out more about it here: https://www.damselnotindistress.co.uk/no-nonsense-guide-to-affirmations.